embracing

I realised something today. I never embraced my so called 'darkside' as me. I was seeing it I was seeing what I was doing feeling it supressing it. But I never embraced it. Never embraced these feelings and emotions as me. Strange how perfectly simpel the splitting of the I works. It's so simpel but never ever has it been in my reach to embrace it as me.
Its here all is here and all is me.

why on earth did I think that I 'outgrowned' my childhood expierences and needs to kill little insect, to investigate little frogs to pull their legs untill the frog died. Or I just pulled a fly's leg untill all the legs where seperate from the fly. Why on earth did I do that?
because its my nature to do so.

And did I ever ever embraced that?

nope

I was very ashamed of it, felt very bad by it, felt guilty about it and thought that one day I would be punished for it.

The question I asked myself today--> Did I change? Did the nature of me changed did I transcend that need of killing a frog and where the hell did this come from this desire to do so. To abuse defendless beings?

And again did I ever embraced the abuse of defendless beings as me?

We at Be – lol

The world event at the Zamoras was great. I didn’t had that many expectations. Just about Ann and that she would be all purple –lol -but she wasn’t. I was more occupied with getting the right train, and taking the right cell phone number from Leila. I text her my arrival time and when she didn’t text me back I got a little bit nervous like shit what if I took the wrong phonenumber, and I had not taken their address either. So Leila called me and all was good again lol

We all got together on the trainstation and the thing I noticed like wow they are so tall, and when I met Paul I was like huh? Weren’t you blonde?
Never consider age on the forum but in the flesh all looked so young, suprise!
I was laughing a lot, I was so exited to see them all fo real and it was really surreal-lol! We where all laughing and giggling a lot. And looking at eachother like …….huh? For real? And then we started laugingh again.

What else? I became nervous when I was talking about other forum members and their words and post on the forum. From the exitement I had stomach pain , breathing was helping but it was not completely gone. Hmmmm what else……. Still there …….do I response to the other in the right way?
It was subtle and very small but yeah still there! So then I got energy movement trough out my body and couldn’t breath through it.

I blushed as a tomato when I was making a comparison to a stiff dick and a wet c*nt. Got all red so…..I just let it happen it was there anyway, yep Sf point again….. Cool it will assist me in transcend the fucking embaresment point within me.

What else?

Was a bit sad in the train when I left, felt salty tears coming up. And could have become over emotional but I didn’t-Puh. Have to dig deeper into this aswell.

yesterday I watched the vid Ann made so I blushed again,see above.

Was reading Leila blog about the first day and I had reactions coming up mostly exitement and……………………….. what will she say about me? Yep.

Same reaction on Ann’s blog

And enjoyment aswel.


Then today I was on chat and Gabs said something on a vid he made on the whole happening. And then I got really scared. Boem, Boem, boem, my heart pounded in my throat, hundred needles in my flesh and my neck area.
And its all about me to see and to embrace as me.

To place everything inside me, to see that all is here and that here is me.


btw
Must be continued.
Do not know when cause I’m leaving tomorrow on a long holiday with kids we will explore Europe.