My Story of Desteni - A Journey to Myself Bella

What I found during my search for 'truth' - was that no religion, no spiritual school or teaching was able to be practically applied by all equally - and that 'followers' were always left 'wanting more'; the 'search would never-end.

I had studied most religions, read many different books about who we are and how we’re supposed to ‘evolve’, I was involved in 'Spirituality' and ‘ascension schools’, searching for the ‘ultimate truth’, the ‘ultimate answer’ to this world out of which I could make no sense. There must be something more to it, I was telling myself. I wanted to understand. I wanted to change the world. I wanted to become a better person.

There was a time when I did not question the implication of belonging to a ‘select few’ that would apparently change the world. I wanted to be ‘special’. Yet with the time and with no actual answers - I began to wonder, and I asked myself:

Why is it that although so many apparent masters are on earth, sharing their teachings and prayers, nothing has actually ever changed in this world?

Why is it that children are being raped, innocent people abused and murdered?

Why is it that spitefulness and manipulation has become the very nature of our being, starting from a very young age within our own families?

How can self-interest be more valued than life itself?

Why is it that half of the world is starving when there is more than enough food for everyone on earth?

How can God exist and allow this to take place?

Why isn’t anyone really doing anything substantial about it all, and what can I possibly do?

And how come I am not even able to live in trust within my own family?

How come nobody is listening to anyone but themselves?

How come we live by beliefs which we haven’t even proven to ourselves, yet we fight and kill in the name of our beliefs?

Is this life? Can anyone be trusted? Can I trust myself?


I realized that I had placed all my faith and hope into something separate from me, something that possibly maybe hopefully exists out there somewhere and will one day save us. I realized that no religion has ever actually been lived equal and one; it has all been but empty words interpreted in different ways by different groups.
Spirituality was but another religion to keep us busy and distracted, so that we keep searching for ourselves out there somewhere ― struggling and arguing over different beliefs and different paths, different ‘levels of awareness’ and different methods of ‘ascension’ or ‘success’ ― while totally ignoring the truth of ourselves as this reality that is right in front of our eyes and goes straight through our hearts.


When I came across Desteni, I found something interesting ―a tool that can be practically applied by anyone: Self-Forgiveness.

I had read about Forgiveness before, always in religious or spiritual/philosophical context, and I’d noticed that those that spoke of forgiveness never applied it in fact to a full extent in the realization that this world exists as it does because we are what we have become.

This tool now presented a practical, self-directive approach to reality: SELF-Forgiveness. I had never heard of or applied Self-Forgiveness before and so I gave it a try. I began to write myself out. I looked at where I stand and I saw that I was not able to trust anything in life: not my family, not my job, not the future, not any relationship, not the welfare system, nothing at all. I couldn’t even trust myself.

My perception of reality was all the time changing within my mind, according to the philosophical or spiritual points of view I was following.
Yet who was I within all that? And why has nothing actually really changed in my life?

I looked at my life and I saw how I became who I am through my own acceptance and allowance, how I followed other people’s logic to define myself by, how I developed defence mechanisms to ensure my ‘survival’, how I isolated myself, how I existed in hope and despair at the same time ―because I had allowed my self-defeat: ‘That’s life and you’ve got to accept that’.

Hell no! I was not willing to accept that anymore!

I began to realize that I had never actually lived! Instead, just like everyone else, I was busy existing through knowledge and information passed on to me by others, applying self-management tools presented to me by the system (family, education, culture, religion, money) so that I can ‘survive’ and consider myself ‘lucky’.

Although I opposed and hated the System, I was still busy trying to be accepted, to fit-in somewhere somehow, I was suppressing myself and denying CommonSense, in order to fulfill the ‘standards’ of the conditions into which I was born.


Why?
Everyone wants to be a ‘good person’. Everyone wants to be loved. To ‘have’ that, we buy into Manipulation and Dishonesty ― in the name of ‘love’.

I was in absolute disgust with humanity, with what we call life, I was disgusted with myself seeing that I had given up on myself, on life, a long time ago – I had allowed and accepted all this to happen, I am equally responsible for everything!
How could we ever allow this?


Through the process of Self-Forgiveness, I saw how I had been fooling myself and how I had actually throughout my life developed all kinds of explanations, justifications, excuses, reasons for why I am who I am, and how I am.

I saw that if I wanted to be Self-honest and really get to know myself, if I wanted to be Self-responsible, I had to allow myself to see the dishonesty I’ve been existing in and as.
The past is what reveals to us how we’ve been conditioned and how we created the reality we are facing: ourselves and our world. I saw that if I don’t stop existing out of ‘my suitcase’ and Actually change myself completely in all ways, I would be creating my future out of conclusions and definitions of the past ― never changing, never breaking-free.

If I can forgive myself ― I set myself free. I am not subject to anyone else’s ability or inability to forgive me. I don’t wait. I move. I give myself back to me: To create myself as Life - to no longer exist in submission, regret, anger, blame, despair. I take Self-Responsibility, I set myself free and stand Equal to what I have allowed and created.

To change the world we must first be able to change ourselves. Equality of Life begins within Self.

This is the Message that Desteni presents:
Self-Honesty
Self-Responsibility
Self-Forgiveness
Self-Authority
in the Realization that who we really are as Life is Equal in All. Thus in Self-Honesty, one will do what's best for All. And what’s best for All, is best for Me.
Self=Life=Equal=All

When All are Equal as Creators - 'power' cannot exist; abuse cannot exist; greed cannot exist; Only Life - Here - for All as Equals - as who we really are as Life - to Never-again allow abuse, to Never-again allow deception, to Never-again allow exploitation and dishonor of Life as who we All Really Are.
Bella Bargilly

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Trust

Trust
After a conversation I had, I see that I can only trust that what is here within the walking within the physical expression, the selfexpression here as me and others.
I see how I always relied on words spoken in the past within certain moments and that I trusted these words as an agreement of trust.
I realized that I cannot put trust in this.
The only trust I can have which is real is what is here immediate in the moment and that trust as within words spoken by someone else is not something to put trust in. It will fuck you
I can only find out when we walk together,within the actuality of us and see who the other is and who I am while we are living the words spoken.

some more SF

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to to stand one and equal to that what I have become, my real nature BECAUSE OF FEAR OF my acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use fear as a hiding place so that I could justify my survival and self-interest of mind.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify my existence and use fears as a acceptable way to get away with it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to stay in my comfort zone this way

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never questioned a fear for what it really is.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to justify fear as a excuse to remain everything as it is and therefore never had the intention to really change at all.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself that survival of the perceived me always prevailed above LIFE

I forgive myself that haven’t allowed myself to see that the truth of me as literally lived was one of self interest wrapped in a acceptable emotion as fear.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to believe that fears are here to protect me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to listen to the feeling of fear out of the belief that I would then listen to my ‘inner voice’

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see that this listening to my inner voice is listening obeying others as in a slave that listens to her master. And that this inner voice is of ‘god’ of system. And its only interested in self-survival.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed that self-interest only is interested in survival of self which is the self of mind of sysems of god and it needs you to allow and accept to participate.


I forgive myself that haven’t allowed myself to see that the truth of me as literally lived was one of self interest wrapped in a acceptable emotion as fear.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to believe that fears are here to protect me instead of realizing that fear only protects systems.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to listen to the feeling of fear out of the belief that I would then listen to my ‘inner voice’

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see that this listening to my inner voice is listening obeying others as in a slave that listens to her master. And that this inner voice is of ‘god’ of system. And its only interested in self-survival.

I forgive myself that haven’t allowed myself to see that the truth of me as literally lived was one of self interest wrapped in a acceptable emotion as fear.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to believe that fears are here to protect me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m trapped in a cage and that there is no way out.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was trapped for ever into infinity because of this system, god, something, that had more power then me.

embracing

I realised something today. I never embraced my so called 'darkside' as me. I was seeing it I was seeing what I was doing feeling it supressing it. But I never embraced it. Never embraced these feelings and emotions as me. Strange how perfectly simpel the splitting of the I works. It's so simpel but never ever has it been in my reach to embrace it as me.
Its here all is here and all is me.

why on earth did I think that I 'outgrowned' my childhood expierences and needs to kill little insect, to investigate little frogs to pull their legs untill the frog died. Or I just pulled a fly's leg untill all the legs where seperate from the fly. Why on earth did I do that?
because its my nature to do so.

And did I ever ever embraced that?

nope

I was very ashamed of it, felt very bad by it, felt guilty about it and thought that one day I would be punished for it.

The question I asked myself today--> Did I change? Did the nature of me changed did I transcend that need of killing a frog and where the hell did this come from this desire to do so. To abuse defendless beings?

And again did I ever embraced the abuse of defendless beings as me?

Sail on-Truly-

I was having lunch at a restaurant this week and on the background music was playing. The Comodores en Lionel Ritchie. I didnt really take noticed  it but it was there.

When I got home there was 'something' lingering but had no words to describe this 'state' I  was expierencing and couldnt find the  words for it. I search for this particular song by the Comodores and the moment I heard the piano and the soothing voice of Lionel Richie I  started crying.

OMG I  didnt had a clue, this song is  so deeply ingrained in me.

I grew up with this song and later when LR became a solo artist his voice is among others the soundtrack of a part of my life. The part of my life where I was dating for the first time with the first boyfriend, dating holding hands and this music is absolutly a big part of it, the music activate systems and ideas inside of me of how I perceived love. Not even love for someone, but love in general as something which is out there to find to grasp, to reach.

Someday I will be on that lovely place where I wil find real love and this music activates all these desires in me.

That something is not even clear, but the feeling that I had to look for it was activated within the firts love relationship and the music 'spiced' it up even more.

How weird that when ever I hear this song, this is triggered inside of me. Conscious or unconcounscious. Its there.