My second post, looking back.

I entered a website last december. I felt pretty messed up back then I just had given birth to my youngest child and I was still recovering. It swas a very intense and difficult pregnancy&labour I had gone trough and I knew that it would take me at least a year to recover. So lots of time at home don’t mistake me wrong I had/have no freetime but time at home taking care of my baby and her older sister. So back to this site.
This website and the selfsupport it offered where completly new to me and I realized after reading watching the material that no question have to been answered anymore.
No more question about what am I doing here,the one and only question I really ever asked myself What am I doing here? What Is my purpose? What is the purpose of my life? What is the meaning of me being here, does my life has a meaning?
Those question are answered by seeing into me, seeing Self here. Self that I never took into considiration.
No more how does the day turns into night, but why is there a day and why Is there a night. Simple.
To never take anything or anyone for granted anymore, to question everything and all in my world.
Simple yet ‘Complicated’ So it began, start applying Self forgiveness in Selfhonesty and boy oh boy what a HORROR, HORRIFIC sight it was. I was watching & studying the material like crazy, in the beginning I really had no clue where it would lead me I just saw a very young women portaling the most enchanting beings I ever ‘seen’ ,and all completely different in there expression. Fascinating. The portal herself pure innocence like you see in children,like I see in my children but never have seen as selfexpression in a adult before. Fascinating! Enchanting it was.
The enchanting runned into devasatation I couldn’t believe it , the story you always wanted to know and now here right infront of me to unbelievable to be true. To horrific to be true. Common sense revealed the world as it is. And boy oh boy . Its absolut horrific. The thing that struck me the most was the question whom or what am I gratefull to or for? In times of need or pain or longing or surching I became gratefull as the last thing to hold onto in this fuss I perceived as my life.
And then I became gratefull for my life, for my children, for my health, for my luck,for my talents and my skills, for me having it so good,. I felt so blessed but whom or whas I gratefull to? Whom did I thank for all of this? Whom or what was I gratefull for, for me being able to life, for healthy children so others can have unhealthy children, gratefully looking the other way,I’m so blessed that all the good things came to me,so I can gratefully look the other way when I encounter the so called other side of the coin. I’m so gratefull that I’m not living in poverty when I see the poor.Thank you life that I’m not child that has been raped or molested, that I do not live in war that I do not starve to death.That I have a nice and pretty roof, and that I only say Thank you! I’m so blessed. Its just my goo dkarma, thank you LIFE. Is thi sth eonly thing I could cam eup with th egratefullness as answer to all the unanswered questions?
WTF went wrong.. Ofcourse there where times I said, yes I know it’s not really how things should have been but its just the way it is,isn’t it? And then continued with my life like nothing really happened.

Ok I realized some common sense in this world and started participating on the forum. I had much difficulties to participate at all. I hated it, it’s my first forum and my last.
Oh yes,…..in the beginning when I just started watching the vids I was like why are all those beings talking about HEAVEN? What a christian ‘thing’ to say. Cause heaven was not even a word on my mind or in my vocab. Then a other term ‘the White light construct’, it took me months to figure that one out,hahahahaha. If you would have said it’s a new club in town it would have made more sense to me. Ok I came to terms with the terms.

So I became Selfaware, apply Selfforgiveness in Selfhonesty and had a rough time. Smiling.
I am not my mind. Huh?
I am not my feelings,emotions and thoughts.
Huh?
So who am I then?

Being here in the moment.Huh?

And then some months ago, I noticed Me,Self, I, In the beginning it was like hey wait a minute I am here too. I am here 2 you know!! I became Selfaware, really for the first time in my entire life or existence for that matter. I always was just living my life as this is the way it is this is the way we people live our lives ,you get borne, and you die and in meanwhile you live youre life.
No one ever asked me to be birthed into the fysical, into this life with these parents, with this life, to be a baby,to grow up. Did I ever made that choice? And yet I am here.

Sail on-Truly-

I was having lunch at a restaurant this week and on the background music was playing. The Comodores en Lionel Ritchie. I didnt really take noticed  it but it was there.

When I got home there was 'something' lingering but had no words to describe this 'state' I  was expierencing and couldnt find the  words for it. I search for this particular song by the Comodores and the moment I heard the piano and the soothing voice of Lionel Richie I  started crying.

OMG I  didnt had a clue, this song is  so deeply ingrained in me.

I grew up with this song and later when LR became a solo artist his voice is among others the soundtrack of a part of my life. The part of my life where I was dating for the first time with the first boyfriend, dating holding hands and this music is absolutly a big part of it, the music activate systems and ideas inside of me of how I perceived love. Not even love for someone, but love in general as something which is out there to find to grasp, to reach.

Someday I will be on that lovely place where I wil find real love and this music activates all these desires in me.

That something is not even clear, but the feeling that I had to look for it was activated within the firts love relationship and the music 'spiced' it up even more.

How weird that when ever I hear this song, this is triggered inside of me. Conscious or unconcounscious. Its there.