My Story of Desteni - A Journey to Myself Bella

What I found during my search for 'truth' - was that no religion, no spiritual school or teaching was able to be practically applied by all equally - and that 'followers' were always left 'wanting more'; the 'search would never-end.

I had studied most religions, read many different books about who we are and how we’re supposed to ‘evolve’, I was involved in 'Spirituality' and ‘ascension schools’, searching for the ‘ultimate truth’, the ‘ultimate answer’ to this world out of which I could make no sense. There must be something more to it, I was telling myself. I wanted to understand. I wanted to change the world. I wanted to become a better person.

There was a time when I did not question the implication of belonging to a ‘select few’ that would apparently change the world. I wanted to be ‘special’. Yet with the time and with no actual answers - I began to wonder, and I asked myself:

Why is it that although so many apparent masters are on earth, sharing their teachings and prayers, nothing has actually ever changed in this world?

Why is it that children are being raped, innocent people abused and murdered?

Why is it that spitefulness and manipulation has become the very nature of our being, starting from a very young age within our own families?

How can self-interest be more valued than life itself?

Why is it that half of the world is starving when there is more than enough food for everyone on earth?

How can God exist and allow this to take place?

Why isn’t anyone really doing anything substantial about it all, and what can I possibly do?

And how come I am not even able to live in trust within my own family?

How come nobody is listening to anyone but themselves?

How come we live by beliefs which we haven’t even proven to ourselves, yet we fight and kill in the name of our beliefs?

Is this life? Can anyone be trusted? Can I trust myself?


I realized that I had placed all my faith and hope into something separate from me, something that possibly maybe hopefully exists out there somewhere and will one day save us. I realized that no religion has ever actually been lived equal and one; it has all been but empty words interpreted in different ways by different groups.
Spirituality was but another religion to keep us busy and distracted, so that we keep searching for ourselves out there somewhere ― struggling and arguing over different beliefs and different paths, different ‘levels of awareness’ and different methods of ‘ascension’ or ‘success’ ― while totally ignoring the truth of ourselves as this reality that is right in front of our eyes and goes straight through our hearts.


When I came across Desteni, I found something interesting ―a tool that can be practically applied by anyone: Self-Forgiveness.

I had read about Forgiveness before, always in religious or spiritual/philosophical context, and I’d noticed that those that spoke of forgiveness never applied it in fact to a full extent in the realization that this world exists as it does because we are what we have become.

This tool now presented a practical, self-directive approach to reality: SELF-Forgiveness. I had never heard of or applied Self-Forgiveness before and so I gave it a try. I began to write myself out. I looked at where I stand and I saw that I was not able to trust anything in life: not my family, not my job, not the future, not any relationship, not the welfare system, nothing at all. I couldn’t even trust myself.

My perception of reality was all the time changing within my mind, according to the philosophical or spiritual points of view I was following.
Yet who was I within all that? And why has nothing actually really changed in my life?

I looked at my life and I saw how I became who I am through my own acceptance and allowance, how I followed other people’s logic to define myself by, how I developed defence mechanisms to ensure my ‘survival’, how I isolated myself, how I existed in hope and despair at the same time ―because I had allowed my self-defeat: ‘That’s life and you’ve got to accept that’.

Hell no! I was not willing to accept that anymore!

I began to realize that I had never actually lived! Instead, just like everyone else, I was busy existing through knowledge and information passed on to me by others, applying self-management tools presented to me by the system (family, education, culture, religion, money) so that I can ‘survive’ and consider myself ‘lucky’.

Although I opposed and hated the System, I was still busy trying to be accepted, to fit-in somewhere somehow, I was suppressing myself and denying CommonSense, in order to fulfill the ‘standards’ of the conditions into which I was born.


Why?
Everyone wants to be a ‘good person’. Everyone wants to be loved. To ‘have’ that, we buy into Manipulation and Dishonesty ― in the name of ‘love’.

I was in absolute disgust with humanity, with what we call life, I was disgusted with myself seeing that I had given up on myself, on life, a long time ago – I had allowed and accepted all this to happen, I am equally responsible for everything!
How could we ever allow this?


Through the process of Self-Forgiveness, I saw how I had been fooling myself and how I had actually throughout my life developed all kinds of explanations, justifications, excuses, reasons for why I am who I am, and how I am.

I saw that if I wanted to be Self-honest and really get to know myself, if I wanted to be Self-responsible, I had to allow myself to see the dishonesty I’ve been existing in and as.
The past is what reveals to us how we’ve been conditioned and how we created the reality we are facing: ourselves and our world. I saw that if I don’t stop existing out of ‘my suitcase’ and Actually change myself completely in all ways, I would be creating my future out of conclusions and definitions of the past ― never changing, never breaking-free.

If I can forgive myself ― I set myself free. I am not subject to anyone else’s ability or inability to forgive me. I don’t wait. I move. I give myself back to me: To create myself as Life - to no longer exist in submission, regret, anger, blame, despair. I take Self-Responsibility, I set myself free and stand Equal to what I have allowed and created.

To change the world we must first be able to change ourselves. Equality of Life begins within Self.

This is the Message that Desteni presents:
Self-Honesty
Self-Responsibility
Self-Forgiveness
Self-Authority
in the Realization that who we really are as Life is Equal in All. Thus in Self-Honesty, one will do what's best for All. And what’s best for All, is best for Me.
Self=Life=Equal=All

When All are Equal as Creators - 'power' cannot exist; abuse cannot exist; greed cannot exist; Only Life - Here - for All as Equals - as who we really are as Life - to Never-again allow abuse, to Never-again allow deception, to Never-again allow exploitation and dishonor of Life as who we All Really Are.
Bella Bargilly

Blogs to freedom and Self

Trust

Trust
After a conversation I had, I see that I can only trust that what is here within the walking within the physical expression, the selfexpression here as me and others.
I see how I always relied on words spoken in the past within certain moments and that I trusted these words as an agreement of trust.
I realized that I cannot put trust in this.
The only trust I can have which is real is what is here immediate in the moment and that trust as within words spoken by someone else is not something to put trust in. It will fuck you
I can only find out when we walk together,within the actuality of us and see who the other is and who I am while we are living the words spoken.

My second post, looking back.

I entered a website last december. I felt pretty messed up back then I just had given birth to my youngest child and I was still recovering. It swas a very intense and difficult pregnancy&labour I had gone trough and I knew that it would take me at least a year to recover. So lots of time at home don’t mistake me wrong I had/have no freetime but time at home taking care of my baby and her older sister. So back to this site.
This website and the selfsupport it offered where completly new to me and I realized after reading watching the material that no question have to been answered anymore.
No more question about what am I doing here,the one and only question I really ever asked myself What am I doing here? What Is my purpose? What is the purpose of my life? What is the meaning of me being here, does my life has a meaning?
Those question are answered by seeing into me, seeing Self here. Self that I never took into considiration.
No more how does the day turns into night, but why is there a day and why Is there a night. Simple.
To never take anything or anyone for granted anymore, to question everything and all in my world.
Simple yet ‘Complicated’ So it began, start applying Self forgiveness in Selfhonesty and boy oh boy what a HORROR, HORRIFIC sight it was. I was watching & studying the material like crazy, in the beginning I really had no clue where it would lead me I just saw a very young women portaling the most enchanting beings I ever ‘seen’ ,and all completely different in there expression. Fascinating. The portal herself pure innocence like you see in children,like I see in my children but never have seen as selfexpression in a adult before. Fascinating! Enchanting it was.
The enchanting runned into devasatation I couldn’t believe it , the story you always wanted to know and now here right infront of me to unbelievable to be true. To horrific to be true. Common sense revealed the world as it is. And boy oh boy . Its absolut horrific. The thing that struck me the most was the question whom or what am I gratefull to or for? In times of need or pain or longing or surching I became gratefull as the last thing to hold onto in this fuss I perceived as my life.
And then I became gratefull for my life, for my children, for my health, for my luck,for my talents and my skills, for me having it so good,. I felt so blessed but whom or whas I gratefull to? Whom did I thank for all of this? Whom or what was I gratefull for, for me being able to life, for healthy children so others can have unhealthy children, gratefully looking the other way,I’m so blessed that all the good things came to me,so I can gratefully look the other way when I encounter the so called other side of the coin. I’m so gratefull that I’m not living in poverty when I see the poor.Thank you life that I’m not child that has been raped or molested, that I do not live in war that I do not starve to death.That I have a nice and pretty roof, and that I only say Thank you! I’m so blessed. Its just my goo dkarma, thank you LIFE. Is thi sth eonly thing I could cam eup with th egratefullness as answer to all the unanswered questions?
WTF went wrong.. Ofcourse there where times I said, yes I know it’s not really how things should have been but its just the way it is,isn’t it? And then continued with my life like nothing really happened.

Ok I realized some common sense in this world and started participating on the forum. I had much difficulties to participate at all. I hated it, it’s my first forum and my last.
Oh yes,…..in the beginning when I just started watching the vids I was like why are all those beings talking about HEAVEN? What a christian ‘thing’ to say. Cause heaven was not even a word on my mind or in my vocab. Then a other term ‘the White light construct’, it took me months to figure that one out,hahahahaha. If you would have said it’s a new club in town it would have made more sense to me. Ok I came to terms with the terms.

So I became Selfaware, apply Selfforgiveness in Selfhonesty and had a rough time. Smiling.
I am not my mind. Huh?
I am not my feelings,emotions and thoughts.
Huh?
So who am I then?

Being here in the moment.Huh?

And then some months ago, I noticed Me,Self, I, In the beginning it was like hey wait a minute I am here too. I am here 2 you know!! I became Selfaware, really for the first time in my entire life or existence for that matter. I always was just living my life as this is the way it is this is the way we people live our lives ,you get borne, and you die and in meanwhile you live youre life.
No one ever asked me to be birthed into the fysical, into this life with these parents, with this life, to be a baby,to grow up. Did I ever made that choice? And yet I am here.