1 december 2009
My Story of Desteni - A Journey to Myself Bella
What I found during my search for 'truth' - was that no religion, no spiritual school or teaching was able to be practically applied by all equally - and that 'followers' were always left 'wanting more'; the 'search would never-end.
I had studied most religions, read many different books about who we are and how we’re supposed to ‘evolve’, I was involved in 'Spirituality' and ‘ascension schools’, searching for the ‘ultimate truth’, the ‘ultimate answer’ to this world out of which I could make no sense. There must be something more to it, I was telling myself. I wanted to understand. I wanted to change the world. I wanted to become a better person.
There was a time when I did not question the implication of belonging to a ‘select few’ that would apparently change the world. I wanted to be ‘special’. Yet with the time and with no actual answers - I began to wonder, and I asked myself:
Why is it that although so many apparent masters are on earth, sharing their teachings and prayers, nothing has actually ever changed in this world?
Why is it that children are being raped, innocent people abused and murdered?
Why is it that spitefulness and manipulation has become the very nature of our being, starting from a very young age within our own families?
How can self-interest be more valued than life itself?
Why is it that half of the world is starving when there is more than enough food for everyone on earth?
How can God exist and allow this to take place?
Why isn’t anyone really doing anything substantial about it all, and what can I possibly do?
And how come I am not even able to live in trust within my own family?
How come nobody is listening to anyone but themselves?
How come we live by beliefs which we haven’t even proven to ourselves, yet we fight and kill in the name of our beliefs?
Is this life? Can anyone be trusted? Can I trust myself?
I realized that I had placed all my faith and hope into something separate from me, something that possibly maybe hopefully exists out there somewhere and will one day save us. I realized that no religion has ever actually been lived equal and one; it has all been but empty words interpreted in different ways by different groups.
Spirituality was but another religion to keep us busy and distracted, so that we keep searching for ourselves out there somewhere ― struggling and arguing over different beliefs and different paths, different ‘levels of awareness’ and different methods of ‘ascension’ or ‘success’ ― while totally ignoring the truth of ourselves as this reality that is right in front of our eyes and goes straight through our hearts.
When I came across Desteni, I found something interesting ―a tool that can be practically applied by anyone: Self-Forgiveness.
I had read about Forgiveness before, always in religious or spiritual/philosophical context, and I’d noticed that those that spoke of forgiveness never applied it in fact to a full extent in the realization that this world exists as it does because we are what we have become.
This tool now presented a practical, self-directive approach to reality: SELF-Forgiveness. I had never heard of or applied Self-Forgiveness before and so I gave it a try. I began to write myself out. I looked at where I stand and I saw that I was not able to trust anything in life: not my family, not my job, not the future, not any relationship, not the welfare system, nothing at all. I couldn’t even trust myself.
My perception of reality was all the time changing within my mind, according to the philosophical or spiritual points of view I was following.
Yet who was I within all that? And why has nothing actually really changed in my life?
I looked at my life and I saw how I became who I am through my own acceptance and allowance, how I followed other people’s logic to define myself by, how I developed defence mechanisms to ensure my ‘survival’, how I isolated myself, how I existed in hope and despair at the same time ―because I had allowed my self-defeat: ‘That’s life and you’ve got to accept that’.
Hell no! I was not willing to accept that anymore!
I began to realize that I had never actually lived! Instead, just like everyone else, I was busy existing through knowledge and information passed on to me by others, applying self-management tools presented to me by the system (family, education, culture, religion, money) so that I can ‘survive’ and consider myself ‘lucky’.
Although I opposed and hated the System, I was still busy trying to be accepted, to fit-in somewhere somehow, I was suppressing myself and denying CommonSense, in order to fulfill the ‘standards’ of the conditions into which I was born.
Everyone wants to be a ‘good person’. Everyone wants to be loved. To ‘have’ that, we buy into Manipulation and Dishonesty ― in the name of ‘love’.
I was in absolute disgust with humanity, with what we call life, I was disgusted with myself seeing that I had given up on myself, on life, a long time ago – I had allowed and accepted all this to happen, I am equally responsible for everything!
How could we ever allow this?
Through the process of Self-Forgiveness, I saw how I had been fooling myself and how I had actually throughout my life developed all kinds of explanations, justifications, excuses, reasons for why I am who I am, and how I am.
I saw that if I wanted to be Self-honest and really get to know myself, if I wanted to be Self-responsible, I had to allow myself to see the dishonesty I’ve been existing in and as.
The past is what reveals to us how we’ve been conditioned and how we created the reality we are facing: ourselves and our world. I saw that if I don’t stop existing out of ‘my suitcase’ and Actually change myself completely in all ways, I would be creating my future out of conclusions and definitions of the past ― never changing, never breaking-free.
If I can forgive myself ― I set myself free. I am not subject to anyone else’s ability or inability to forgive me. I don’t wait. I move. I give myself back to me: To create myself as Life - to no longer exist in submission, regret, anger, blame, despair. I take Self-Responsibility, I set myself free and stand Equal to what I have allowed and created.
To change the world we must first be able to change ourselves. Equality of Life begins within Self.
This is the Message that Desteni presents:
in the Realization that who we really are as Life is Equal in All. Thus in Self-Honesty, one will do what's best for All. And what’s best for All, is best for Me.
When All are Equal as Creators - 'power' cannot exist; abuse cannot exist; greed cannot exist; Only Life - Here - for All as Equals - as who we really are as Life - to Never-again allow abuse, to Never-again allow deception, to Never-again allow exploitation and dishonor of Life as who we All Really Are.